i'm being honest.

sometimes i don't understand.
many things, acctually
but recently,
i don't understand the burden i have
i can't figure out how to love this unknown child any less
today i am physically hurting as i think and pray for her.
i think it is completly and horrible unfair.
i want to buy an airline ticket and fly to china right this very minuet.
i want to search the streets until i find her. i want to hold her and kiss her until she falls asleep in my arms, and then i want to carry her all the way home.
i want her to play trains with foster in the playroom.
i want her to giggle and run in circles with rowan.
i want her to snuggle the beautiful blanket that i will make her.
i want to sing to her as she falls asleep at night.
i want to tell her over and over again how much she is loved.
i want to tell her the story her Maker gave her, and how unique and special it is.

i don't understand why things aren't coming together like i had hoped
i always start so gung-ho
and now a slow adversity has hit...the adversity and pain of waiting.
not even waiting on someone else, but waiting on us.

i don't undsertand the financial complexities of our life
my faith isn't strong enough.
i'm still trying to do it on my own.
as i am typing, i realize in one strong movement this is the issue.
i'm death-gripping every cent, when i should be willing to tithe it and see it come back ten fold.
i see how much we have and i see how much we need
and it boggles me.
but that's where it all begins.
i think the wait is waiting on me to sink in the Truths that i know.
i think that's the adversity in all of this.
me.
that's the worst part.
i'm in my own way.
and i hate it.

so this is me.
being honest.
a real debbie-downer :)
but sometimes, i can't sugar coat it.
i don't think i should.

defining parts

there are some things in life that define you.
i'm convinced that it's not always the huge and magnificent that interpret us.
the small and everyday can impact us just as profoundly. it is in the small and consistent of everyday that grind out who we really are.

one part of the real and true me has been found in the refinement of the daily grind. it cannot be shaken. no amount of trial can persuade my heart from it's course.
i'm completely invested.
i have lifetime stock.

some i have carried tenderly and seen their first breath.
some aren't born of my body, but tenderly carried by another, and i have not yet had the honor of holding close.
but nonetheless they are here.
within the small and everyday grind of who i really am.
at the inner most part of me.
the part that was created to live out my years loving these sweet souls.

it is from this part of me that i write.
i have no choice but to let my soul abound.

if you are reading this, i hope that you can relate in some way.
join with me.
because, after all, our defining parts might be different but the grind that finds out our definement is the same.

i'm loving you

today i'm dreaming of you.
you don't even know it.
maybe you aren't born yet
maybe you are.
but to me, you are already here
growing deep within my heart
deep within where love grows.


someday you may wonder when i first loved you.
someday you may ponder how you came to be.
someday i will tell you your story and shower my words of love
someday you will be mine to have and to hold and to keep
someday i will kiss your little cheeks for the first time
someday i will tell you i love you for the first time
but then again, my heart tells you everyday.


someday my arms will hold you and you won't be so far away.
my little girl.
my little china girl.
i'm finding you soon.
don't cry my sweet little one.
you are not forgotten.
you are not alone.
i'm loving you my lovie
i'm loving you everyday

our journey...

began several years ago.
before our own children were born.
before we even had a glimpse of parenthood, we knew in our hearts that adoption would be a part of our family someday.
someday is approaching and it can't get here soon enough!

why china: over the past 10 years, my family and i have traveled back and forth to china, sharing our heart and love for our savior. (recent trip blogs: 2008, 2009) it was during these many trips, that the chinese people captured my heart. my husband and i moved to china shortly after we were married and it was during that time i saw first hand the faces of so many little girls living in orphanages. it was heartbreaking to hold and play with them, knowing their future wasn't as bright as their youth. many having minor physical issues that, in my opinion, only made them more endearing and unique. i can't help but adopt my daughter from china. my life isn't complete without her.

our current status:
- we have chosen an adoption agency: Living Hope Adoptions.
- we will soon schedule: our home study
- after the home study: we hope to apply for loans and grants to help fund our adoption
- in an effort to bring our daughter home sooner, i will be setting up a store so that we can help raise money by making and selling goods. all ideas welcome ;) i have a few cooking in my ever working brain matter. does anyone know how to do screen printing?? maybe google knows how :)
-time frame: phase 1- home study and lots of paperwork = 6months. phase 2- dossier given to china and wait time until child chosen = 2 years.